Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
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You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.