I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
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Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I want to meet the individual who made this
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!