My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
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Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
What have you done…馃悎馃惥馃ゴ
Sound On..馃攰馃啓
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Kids only want one thing and it鈥檚 to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn鈥檛 get to try any of them.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
TRAIN’S HERE
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.