Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
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“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Genius idea!!
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target