I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
You Might Also Like
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”