i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
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Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?