The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
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From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.