Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
You Might Also Like
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?