Care for your back
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“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
thank god the sign was there
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.