If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
You Might Also Like
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.