I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
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Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.