If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
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Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I have so many questions.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face