*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
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Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
You’ll be OK
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*