Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
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Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
i want to work in this restaurant
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.