I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
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“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.