I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
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A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
At least my masseuse has my back.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.