don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
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If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
🤣😂🤣
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.