“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
You Might Also Like
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
The symmetry is uncanny.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
lmao
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.