To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
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This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
I put the p in pants.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.