Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
You Might Also Like
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.