There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
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[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
*limbos under the caution tape
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still