I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
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Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
sliding into dms like
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams