How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
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It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.