i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
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Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.