I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
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H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Dear Lord..
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
eggs benadryl
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead