ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants