“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
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Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
wait.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old: