People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
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When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
this is me
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!