Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
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“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
sugar glider wrangler
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”