On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
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Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)