My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
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these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”