7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
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me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.