If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
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Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?