Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
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Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao