HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
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Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?