My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
You Might Also Like
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start