I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
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I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.