For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
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My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.