The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
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“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
fixed it
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.