REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
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ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.