Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
You Might Also Like
Meow?
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
meow
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.