I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
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[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.