My oldest chicken is going through henopause
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‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.