When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
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*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado