I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
You Might Also Like
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
me hitting on a model
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Acronyms got me like WTF?
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.