Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
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[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Risking my life for fun.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.