Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
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my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE