“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
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Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire