HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
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i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.