“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
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Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed